So you are in a relationship, or want to be. There is either someone special in your life and you are on the verge of making some type of commitment. Maybe you see each other occasionally and you are smitten. But maybe this other person doesn’t quite give you all that you want, or deserve. Do they call you back late, but make you are priority when they want something? Do they claim to be “busy” constantly? Do you consistently feel like an afterthought? Do they offer you conditions on your relationship? Are you a convenience and not a priority?
“Don’t make someone a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs.” -Unknown
This seems to be a common problems among women. This is why I loved the book, “He’s just not that into you” and why I recommend it in another one of my posts. So many women think they need to change, or do something different to make their desired man want them. Yet, this is a total myth. If he’s not into you, then there is nothing you can do to change that and this has more to do with him than you realize – or has more to do with your own self-esteem than you realize.
This is because the most important thing to know here is that it is not about YOU! There is next to nothing you can do to actually change the outcome. If that person is not head over heels or smitten, it has more to do with them and less to do with you. Maybe this is where the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” came from. This is because you are who you are – and he is who he is, and if he doesn’t want all the awesomeness that you have to offer, then why would you want him anyway? Why would you even think about changing yourself? … unless of course you did not love yourself in which I would scream “SELF-ESTEEM”!!
So ask yourself…
Do you want someone who wants YOU whole-heartedly, or are you trying to change yourself to fit someone else’s mold or someone else’s idea of a partner?
Don’t be a convenience – Be the ONE
Convenient relationships are not uncommon. In fact, they are quite common. But, why would Mr. Fabulous tell you that you are just convenient, if he is getting what he needs and doesn’t have to put forth a strong commitment? This is because you allow this to happen and you are selling yourself short. By the way, you can’t necessarily expect him to change if you have had a non-committal relationship for a year and expect him to stick with it in the long-term. He’s already getting his needs met, why should he change?
You set the bar for the relationship. Either you set it high, or you set it low. Your choice.
So, what would happen if you stood up for yourself? What would happen if you gave an ultimatum? What would happen if you said “Put up or shut up?” Well, in all honesty the relationship would probably go south. Maybe less than 5% would get an increased commitment. But for the rest, it would be over. This is exactly why most women don’t take this type of action.
FEAR OF LOSING THE ONE YOU LOVE.
But guess what ladies?? He’s not yours if he’s non-committal anyway! So really, what are you losing?
In all honesty, you’re not losing much and it’s all in your head. Do you really want to be with someone who treats you poorly? You fear either being alone, or catastrophize what would happen if the relationship were over. Also, you fear finding someone new and being comfortable in a crappy relationship is something you’d rather settle for, until you get pissed off again, and realize that maybe you want more.
So, we’ve already established why you do it, but how do you get out of it and stop repeating this cycle? The easy answer is…
PUT YOURSELF FIRST and LET GO OF THE EXCUSES
Here are the five most common problems, and how you can overcome them.
1. Stop believing the bullshit of busy-ness. It does not exist! It is a fallacy.
I don’t care how busy you are, you are never too busy for someone you truly love. Ever! if this is happening to you, it does not matter what the excuses are, there is someone who will make time for you regardless of what they have going on at work, at home, etc.
2. Let go of the person that does not make you a priority and suck it up.
Stop catastrophizing over how much you love them and how you’ll never find anyone else. You will find someone else who is much better and will treat you like a queen. I promise, he is out there. So stop selling yourself short and let go of the bullshit (see #1).
3. Put yourself first and honor where you are. Take stock in your amazing qualities.
If you have actually taken steps 1 and 2 – GOOD FOR YOU! Now, it’s time to honor yourself and realize that you are a queen and an amazing woman. Take stock in who you are and don’t look back. If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you because of your awesomeness. If they don’t want to be with you, that is their problem not yours. Don’t sell yourself short because someone else doesn’t have the same values, it is probably for the best anyway.
4. Hold yourself in high regard.
If you don’t hold yourself to high-standards, then how can you expect anyone else to hold you in high-standards? If you put up with the BS, then you are allowing it to enter into your relationship. It is more than high-standards, it is also high esteem for yourself. You know what you are worth and so you will not settle for less than the best. The best is not unrealistic expectations either. The best is what is a best fit for you. No one will ever find a 100% match – that’s never the goal. The goal is to find someone who you share common values, ideas, and goals with and who treats you like you treat them.
5. Don’t give away the “cookie” too early or too easy.
There are debated views on this but, I stand by this statement. Additionally, I have tons of clients who would agree. Put out too soon and you don’t get the call back, and you have been “conquered”. Is that what you want? To have been a conquest? The women who hold out and treat themselves with respect and treasure their body, are the ones who are treated as queens. Those who give it away like beads at mardi-gras are not ‘typically’ the ones that Mr. Right is going to bring home to mama, or offer a commitment. Some might see this is as traditional, but if you want a one night stand, you can find that. If you want friends with benefits, you can find that. If you want a commitment, then act as if you want a commitment and make him work for it. For some men it is a cat and mouse game, and when its like that if the mouse is too easy to catch, it’s like catch and release – seriously! Hold out – he’ll appreciate you more for it!
Love it, hate it? Have something to add or something to say? Leave some notes in the comments below. I always love comments.